Because I Want

Sometimes I like to go to bed at 3 a.m. and sleep like a log with an open window till the middle of the next day. On the other nights, I hide my naked body under the warm blanket at 10 p.m. and wake up in the early morning.

There are a lot of things which I love but could not do it the same way daily. I love repeating actions and excellent routines, but I get quickly bored with tiresome cycles. 

Even if I love writing, I don’t do it every day. I need my breaks to recover from an arduous process of exchanging my complicated thoughts into complex sentences. I love dancing, but I cannot dance 24/7. Even the best exercises still make me tired. I genuinely enjoy talking with my best people, but sometimes I need to take a deep breath and reschedule our meetings. I could not even have the same sex every single day.

I love parties when I am in a mood for a party, but I also love staying at home when I am in a mood to stay home. On the other hand, I’m not too fond of parties when I am in a mood to stay at home, and I hate being at home when I want to go out for a party. 

I have no idea what I would answer if you asked me about what I really like. Probably today, you could hear that I love spending days at my place, cooking and watching tv. I would tell you that I enjoy huge breakfasts, Sunday’s laziness and wearing pyjamas for the whole day. 

But be ready, because tomorrow I can be a completely different person.

It is not a confession about my several personalities. It is an observation that certain days can bring specific needs and various actions. It is permission for me and you to change our minds and, depending on our thoughts and emotions, allow ourselves to feel what we feel. Even if – due to this – every day we will react to the same things in a completely different way. 

Some time ago, I had a massive urge to know. I wanted to name what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what I don’t like, what I accept, what I would never do, what makes me crazy, what I need to try and all other different whats. I doggedly tried to get defined cause it seemed to make my life easier. 

Over time, I found out that there is no clear answer to any of my questions.

I like it when it’s loud, but I also easily fall in love with silence.
I like crowded places, but this year, I would enjoy spending my holidays on a deserted island.
I like people, but I also need my time alone. 

Everything depends on the moment of my life. Aspiring for being sure turns out to be useless once I realized that my needs are never being generated in isolation from the current status. 

Today I need something else that I needed a few years ago. Maybe today, I also need something else than I will need in the upcoming months. But right now, my plan is simple – if I want it, I’ll get it.

I am bored with listening to what I should want for my future. I am bored with asking others what I should do. I am bored with explaining why I go this way.

But if you really want to know, I’ll tell you. 

Because I want.

I can. 

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