I was not writing at all during the last month. It is not like I did not know how to start or could not find my moments of inspiration. I just wasn’t ready to sit down and allow my thoughts to fly out.
Writing is not hard from the ground. What’s difficult, is to confront yourself with yourself. To be alone with your own ideas, beliefs and emotions. To release all those fundamental questions. Why do I think what I think? Why do I feel what I feel?
I usually love to go straight to the point without any difficulties on my way. I enjoy transforming issues into solutions, going from challenges directly into easy parts. But life does not always give us juicy lemons ready to squeeze into tasty lemonades. Sometimes all you get is an immature avocado. And the only thing you can do to make it good is to wait.
I am not necessarily doing well in being patient. If I want it, I immediately try to get it. I often catch myself eating unripe fruits, getting my tongue burnt by too hot coffee, or getting annoyed right away when I realize that someone does not get what I mean. Even if I did not put any effort into explaining what was actually in my head.
Some time ago, I could also get easily sad about not receiving answers for questions that I didn’t even ask. I wanted everybody to guess my mind and come to me to fulfill my deeply hidden needs.
Now I slowly learn how to speak. I learn how to express what I feel. I learn how to ask for this what I need.
It’s probably the most challenging homework which I have ever had to do. Especially taking into consideration that I’ve always believed that feelings are the opposite of power. Now I know that’s not true. The clarity of being able to admit what you sense is powerful. And it leaves no room for misinterpretation.
It is like that. Actions have consequences and words have meaning. But there’s nothing to worry about until you believe in what you do and trust what you say. If you always try to disconnect yourself from your feelings, you’ll never get free. And if you never get free, you’ll never be able to get genuinely connected with yourself in the first place and the more with the others.
Being yourself when you’re alone already brings great pleasure. But there’s no greater pleasure than the awareness that you can be yourself with people around you.
I want you to answer one question. Who are you when nobody’s watching?
And now think about another matter. Is there anyone in your life who could see this version of yourself and still believe you are perfect?
We often try to adjust ourselves to others. We try to act like everything’s fine – just to not get into difficult areas. We try to hide our feelings because admitting that we have them may give somebody the power to hurt us.
But we need to understand one thing. Speaking up about your ideas, beliefs and emotions can only protect you. The only thing that can be destructive is pretending that you enjoy something that doesn’t bring you happiness and comfort.
But dealing with our minds can be tricky. Of all the people on the planet, we listen and talk to ourselves more than to anyone. How to make sure which of our thoughts are pretty solid and which are just temporary?
I don’t know how to answer these questions yet. But there’s one thing that helps me deal with an unrestrained stream of theories that come to my mind without any notice.
Our thoughts are not the facts.
We may have absolutely different ideas every single day. We may get unnecessarily worried just because of past experiences. By the way, if we look close enough, there will always be some dirt. We may get super happy without any specific logical reason. We may get tired after doing nothing. We may get suddenly angry or indifferent, just like that.
We may feel everything.
But first of all, we need to allow ourselves to do that. And try to listen with some interest to our minds, hearts and bodies. They will tell us everything. And only when we’ll be attentive and aware of what we’ve heard, we’ll be able to confront it.
Depending on the needs – with ourselves or with the others.